Witch hunt

Humankind never ceases to amaze me. The selfishness, lack of empathy and compassion and the ever ready need to be loved or the huge gullibility of some people just simply astounds me.

I did a nice gesture last week wishing someone a happy birthday only to be thrown into upheaval of untruths and laughable comments. It was so mind blowing how some people believe obvious lies and I was extremely disappointed in this person. I understand the need for people to be loved but I don’t understand how some people will sacrifice their morals, integrity and basic logic just to try and receive that love. It is important to love yourself fully and then you will be brave enough and wise enough to identify the true love amongst deception. This person doesn’t realize that I am the only one not deceiving them. I have been nothing but honest.

I was accused of being on a witch hunt which is laughable.

I would make the worst witch ever as I hate brooms and have a slight fear of heights. And my so called witch hunt is pathetic as I dont have much time left in my day to plot up a storm. If I was on a witch hunt I definitely would not be putting my own needs aside for the needs of the liars, I would of blown this whole nasty dirty story out into the open and not be sitting on it, protecting people who continue to betray my trust and feed me lies and contradictary stories.

I would probably need more time in my day to actually perform some witch hunting activities instead of weight training, learning to horse ride and latin dancing as well as my work and motherhood, oh yeah and training a husky to be an assistance dog.

One thing I have learnt after last weeks drama is I am backed into a corner.

I have 2 choices now…….To give up or To fight back. (I’m not that good at giving up πŸ˜‰)

Obviously sitting here quietly has the F@#ey Secret Service still dogging me so I haven’t got much to lose.

Now to order a book on “how to hold a Witch hunt ”

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Monsters live in the dark

Life is different for each of us. Some people cruise through without to many challenges while others seem to come across trouble at every corner. We do become stronger with challenges to overcome. The trick is to actually try and overcome them. Some troubles are out of our control, some problems are minimal while other troubles are like dealing with Monsters in the dark….you don’t quite know what you are fighting or trying to overcome.

The key I think is to remain 100 percent truthful to yourself. If you can walk away and forget situations without a second thought then you should. If you need to face the Monster in the dark to get some kind of peace inside then so be it. It is YOUR life. Don’t let others predict it for you. I always ask myself “how will I feel at age 80, sitting in my rocking chair, if I don’t follow my heart”?. ….. At age 80 I want to have lived with no regrets. I want to keep following my heart and my intuition. I want to keep trusting in my morals and integrity. If the Monster remains in the dark it will be out of my control.

At the present time I have people trying to sway my views. Things just don’t add up. Things will forever be different And when you dont have much left to lose you become I very dangerous player in the game. As for day to day life……its challenges are on going. My daughter hopefully has finally turned a corner and her leg is healing. Only time will tell. She is back at school after having missed so much work already. My son is still recovering from the flu along with other challenges. Our life together has been one full of health issues. It is simply part of our family life. Some days it really gets you down and on all the other days we simply power on.

Its winter time here in New Zealand. I don’t mind the cold months, it gives me more down time as it is more inviting to curl up and watch Netflix than go out. Down time is also good for planning my next move. If there is one thing I know I wont be bowing out to the Monster in the dark. I deserve to be here, I deserve peace and freedom from all the drama that comes with being part of the Foley Secret Service.

Will things go to plan?

Tomorrow……. ugh….off to New Zealand’s Capital City . My daughter has an appointment with her Orthopedic surgeon. The plan if all goes well would be to go Tuesday and be back Wednesday. The way my luck has been lately and the look of Eva’s leg, I’m not sure that will happen.

I am feeling slightly better than a few days ago….slighty. The thought of a 4-5 hour car trip does not inspire me. Eva and I have packed as if we are staying for a month. If the infection is not under control then she will be on an IV drip for 4 weeks. This also doesn’t inspire me. Eva has missed so much school already……ugh.

Motherhood is hard. Motherhood to children with health issues is next level. You have to keep your head level no matter how much your heart is hurting. You do what needs to be done even when you are shattered mentally and physically.

I wouldn’t be without my kids. They make me smile and laugh each day. I hate having to leave my Son at home. We really appreciate video calling. He is such a great young man, holding down the fort while we are gone. His Gran comes and stays and cooks for him but he does all the work with the animals etc. He did struggle last time we were in hospital for over a week. I really don’t think he will do so well if it’s for 4 weeks.

Really gutted this infection had to happen. As if Eva doesn’t have it hard enoughπŸ˜₯….sometimes life seems so unfair. And yet Eva takes it all in her stride. She is so polite and nice mannered to everyone we meet. Although When she has a bad day, she has a real bad day. These days break my heart.

This surgery on her leg is meant to make her life easier, less pain, improve balance and make walking better . It definitely has helped but we haven’t seen the full potential yet due to all the hassles. I do feel quilty ….. I told her it was for the best and she will feel so much better…..now I feel so guilty….it is interfering with her first year of Girls High School…..interfering with friendships and just normality. But then again, my life has never been normal and I guess hers will never be either.

I feel like we need a break. We need a holiday somewhere, all expenses paid. Somewhere our troubles aren’t welcome, somewhere we can simply be happy , even if just for a day…… I guess that’s what dreaming is for.

So on the long drive tomorrow maybe I will dream of that wonderful place and visualize us there laughing, swimming, singing, eating and sleeping without a care in the world.

I am still so grateful for everything we do have. I am extremely grateful for the beautiful part of the world that we live in.

One thing my family does get right is loving unconditionally and knowing we have it so much better than a lot of other people.

Coffee 😍

What is it about coffee that gets me up in the morning? Why do I feel so awake after a few simple sips?

I use to overdose on caffeine. At one stage I was labelled the Caffeine Queen. On awakening back then I would walk like a zombie to my coffee machine and brew up an extremely strong concoction. It was normal to have 6-8 mugs of this magic before lunch. Heart palpitations were worth it as I powered through my days activities.

Stays away from home needed careful planning. I would either pack my coffee machine or make sure I was staying extremely close to a cafe. Hospital stays with my children were the hardest. One childrens hospital had a kitchen to make your own instant (not at all happening, the instant tastes so bad). Recently staying in our Capital city’s Children Hospital and to my horror NO Hot drinks allowed on the ward at all.

I am extremely lucky I had changed my coffee addict ways by this time as now I can survive a week without one….just!

So what changed?

I can’t actually remember. I went from using my coffee machine 😍 to using filtered coffee mainly because it was faster. I am still fussy with the brand of coffee I use but I now only have 2 mugs of magic a day.

I still love my coffee each morning. I get out of bed first before any other human. I sit quietly and slowly sip my potion. It wakes me up gently by working it’s way through my body. The warmth slowly flowing down my throat. I make it just right……it has to be just right! Not weak but not overly strong and it has to be smooth. No milk, no sugar , just coffee.

As I sit here on the second day of winter slowly enjoying my mug of pleasure, I think I have worked out why I need it.

You see I live in New Zealand. New Zealand is one of the first countries in the World to see in a new day. I see the sunrise on each and every day before most of the world. I experience each New Year before most of the world, each Christmas Day while most of you sleep.

Our famous New Zealand Rugby team “The All blacks” are so phenomenal because they are a day ahead of the rest of the World (plus I pretty sure they drink coffee)

To have to lead the world into each brand new day sure takes some stamina. Add to that being a Parent (the hardest and most rewarding job on the planet) well it is now obvious why I need my mug of magic ..

It is because I live in the future πŸ˜‰

The night the lights went out

It was cold and dark and the rain had started to fall again . Winter was definitely ready to pounce. Friday night plans were to relax and watch Netflix curled up in my warm blankets with the dogs lying at my feet. The flash of lightning seemed to come from nowhere. The boom of it hitting the power pole outside was shadowed by the fireball that leap off the wires and fell to the ground. Cars slammed their brakes on outside my house, everyone was fortunate enough to escape crashing.

I always get hassled for being the over prepared person when we go away. I pack the weirdest stuff that no one else thinks of and it always comes in handy. Tonight as a stood in the darkness I realized this was one of those times I needed the candles I had prepared and stashed in a cupboard months earlier. I was prepared and the rooms were splashed with light within minutes.

The dining room looked like we were ready to summon spirits with the circle of flames around the table . It was just the right weather for such an event. The wind blowing uncontrollably, the rain pelletting against the windows and 2 scared little faces looking across the table at me. It would of been the perfect time to scare the crap out of them 😁

My kids love Halloween

Hours have passed and I am curled up on my bed with a wonderfully snuggly blanket over my body, the rain has calmed down , the wind is still wild and the darkness is clinging to everything but the flickering candlelight. So this is my Friday night? So not like I used to spend them. No plans to party, no plans to dine out, no plans to meet up with friends and play pool and dance til the sun came up

…..no …my Friday nights are the now the polar opposite. The thing about my Friday nights now is they are spent with my kids.

And as I lay here in the dark my heart lights up knowing they are both tucked up safely in their beds, enveloped in the warmth of their blankets with full tummies and kisses on the cheeks. I always wanted to experience motherhood and all these years later, my Friday night partying days are just memories , and I lay here quite satisfied that I have my 2 babies .

Now I just need the power back on so I can watch Television πŸ˜‰

Keto not keto

Here’s an update on my keto trial that I started last December.

All was well until I tried to add some bodyfat to make changes to my body between 2 competitions. To stay on keto I increased the dairy which then flared up the rheumatoid arthritis disease that I have had since I was 30. I had no choice but to drop back on the dairy and add carbs in for a good month.

I succeeded in putting on 3 kilos but definitely did not feel well, not like I was feeling on the keto.

Straight after the second competition I had to rush Eva to Wellington hospital. Living on the hospital ward made it very hard to get back on 100% keto . As the days went by I started to fall sick . By the time we made it back to New Plymouth I was well and truly stuffed up. Sick as a dog , rheumatoid pain on an all time high and energy levels maxed out.

It has now been a month of being very unwell, pretty much burnt out emotionally and physically. This has made it very difficult to do keto. The keto diet takes a lot of prepping and you really do need your fridge full of the right foods. Most of the time I have no appetite and when I do feel like eating , bacon and eggs cooked in butter really does not go down well.

My keto effort is probably about 60/40. I find it fascinating how shit I feel now and really can’t believe how I have done a complete 180 into this f#@ked up body. Because I am fighting off either an infection of some kind or a viral bug, I can not take the rheumatoid medicine , as the major side affect of this medication is that it grows infection fast.

With high pain comes huge fatigue and this added to a sickness has kicked my ass and ruined my keto lifestyle.

I am a firm believer in listening to your body but this is hard strategy to use when you feel like ” death warmed up”.

I have just peeled myself off the coach and made myself do some keto prep. Each morning I hope to awaken to a brand new healthy day so I can get this messed up body back on track.

The one thing we all have is a choice.

We can choose to give up or We can choose to keep trying. I seem to be a sucker for the latter.

So Keto or not keto? I believe it works well and the body does lean out. I think when I get back on track I will do keto for a month or so and then add in some good carbs and re-feed days . Until that happens I am curling back on to the couch….if I can fit

Wednesday’s Words

Restarting a blog has given me one positive so far . It has made me sit quietly for 30 minutes while I write. This afternoon I am sitting on my back deck enjoying a cup of tea with my new buddy Beaudon lying at my feet. The Tui birds are singing and the fan tails are darting around the trees.

Slowing down the pace is very inviting. Staying out of the gym is also very pleasing. I have no urge at all to train. I feel so completely shattered, the last few years have hit me like a wrecking ball and I am having trouble rebuilding myself. You know when you have those days where you want a clean slate, you want to move countries and start over where no one knows you . …. well that feeling has lasted a month so far.

I am definitely over the shit that comes with bodybuilding and training athletes. And I am also over the attitude of some competitors you meet and watch . It appears to me now as such a shallow experience. Gone are the days of meeting inspiring drug free athletes with a great life story. It is rare now to find people who do the sport for the right reasons. It is not motivating or uplifting to me anymore.

I prefer to be inspired by the athlete who lost a limb protecting his country and seeing him work his ass off keeping himself mentally and physically strong. I prefer to watch people with disabilities learn to walk again, learn to do the things that most take for granted. These humans are incredible. So I have pushed all the bullshit away now and it will be so refreshing to be inspired and humbled from folk in other areas of life.

One element of my life I am enjoying is training our Husky. The goal is for him to be an assistant dog for my daughter Eva. This pup is so big already and boy oh boy is he smart. So far he has learnt to do the basic sit, down, shake hands and moved onto opening and closing cupboards and even skate boarding. I pencil in an hour each day to do lead work with him. Teaching him to heel, walk backwards, turn and follow in whatever direction I go in. He is such a sweetheart and hates being alone, he always has to curl up with one of us.

The nights before my daughter ended up being rushed to Wellington hospital Beaudon kept coming and getting me and leading me into Eva’s room. He would jump up on her bed and place his head on her leg. I didnt realise at the time that he was trying to tell me about the infection. We know he picks up on her complex partial seizures but this was amazing. He is still not 1 year old yet so his potential is exciting.

Dogs are very cool to hang out with, they live in the moment. It’s a highlight in my day to work with him.

Well the warmth of the day is subsiding and my tea cup is empty. My motivation to move is only urged on by the chill hitting my legs. My enthusiasm to be productive is low, most likely due to stress and being sick but I will get myself out of this chair and into to kitchen to start cooking dinner as my favorite TV show “Wentworth ” starts tonight and it will be the highlight of my week .

To those taking the time to read these Wednesday Words …..thank you.