4 years of utter heartache, loss, rejection and confusion is over. (Really 50 years)
People who have lived similar issues say that when you get the answers whether they are good or bad..they heal you. They fill in the dark void and you instantly feel better.
I didn’t have much left to lose so when I came close to rock bottom and saw how it was affecting my kids , I knew It was time to confront people and finally press for the answers that I needed and deserved.
Now 50 years into my life I have completed the puzzle. My heart is full, my smile is back, and I know where I belong. Through it all I have lost my sister but upon learning the truth I can understand how and why this is too much for her.
2020 is now going to be spent taking control back of my life and working on empowering myself again after being stripped of self worth and belonging, being wrongly accused judged and blamed for other peoples actions.
I feel whole finally and ready to embrace everything that is Maria
One thing I learnt when I was younger was how the adults around me didn’t realize how much children listen and pick up on. After all ,this is why and how I started piecing things together. And today I learnt how my pain is affecting my own children.
My son done up his birthday list and sent it to me. As I read through it I was saddened by one in particular. My son has a huge heart and I guess it doesnt really surprise me that he would love me to be happy. And he knows exactly what needs to happen to help me .
I’m left feeling helpless as it is what I have been wanting for over 40 years and it is the one thing on his list that I cant give him , as no one will give it to me to pass on.
Motherhood is challenging at the best of times, no instruction book, we just have to make it up on the spot. I try to be happy and positive around the kids but the emotional exhaustion is starting to show.
Restarting a blog has given me one positive so far . It has made me sit quietly for 30 minutes while I write. This afternoon I am sitting on my back deck enjoying a cup of tea with my new buddy Beaudon lying at my feet. The Tui birds are singing and the fan tails are darting around the trees.
Slowing down the pace is very inviting. Staying out of the gym is also very pleasing. I have no urge at all to train. I feel so completely shattered, the last few years have hit me like a wrecking ball and I am having trouble rebuilding myself. You know when you have those days where you want a clean slate, you want to move countries and start over where no one knows you . …. well that feeling has lasted a month so far.
I am definitely over the shit that comes with bodybuilding and training athletes. And I am also over the attitude of some competitors you meet and watch . It appears to me now as such a shallow experience. Gone are the days of meeting inspiring drug free athletes with a great life story. It is rare now to find people who do the sport for the right reasons. It is not motivating or uplifting to me anymore.
I prefer to be inspired by the athlete who lost a limb protecting his country and seeing him work his ass off keeping himself mentally and physically strong. I prefer to watch people with disabilities learn to walk again, learn to do the things that most take for granted. These humans are incredible. So I have pushed all the bullshit away now and it will be so refreshing to be inspired and humbled from folk in other areas of life.
One element of my life I am enjoying is training our Husky. The goal is for him to be an assistant dog for my daughter Eva. This pup is so big already and boy oh boy is he smart. So far he has learnt to do the basic sit, down, shake hands and moved onto opening and closing cupboards and even skate boarding. I pencil in an hour each day to do lead work with him. Teaching him to heel, walk backwards, turn and follow in whatever direction I go in. He is such a sweetheart and hates being alone, he always has to curl up with one of us.
The nights before my daughter ended up being rushed to Wellington hospital Beaudon kept coming and getting me and leading me into Eva’s room. He would jump up on her bed and place his head on her leg. I didnt realise at the time that he was trying to tell me about the infection. We know he picks up on her complex partial seizures but this was amazing. He is still not 1 year old yet so his potential is exciting.
Dogs are very cool to hang out with, they live in the moment. It’s a highlight in my day to work with him.
Well the warmth of the day is subsiding and my tea cup is empty. My motivation to move is only urged on by the chill hitting my legs. My enthusiasm to be productive is low, most likely due to stress and being sick but I will get myself out of this chair and into to kitchen to start cooking dinner as my favorite TV show “Wentworth ” starts tonight and it will be the highlight of my week .
To those taking the time to read these Wednesday Words …..thank you.
My first try at blogging again since I canceled my website due to a useless domain host.
It’s been probably a few years since I put my thoughts down on paper. A very long 2 years and probably the most important time to actually get my thoughts out and into the universe. God knows I am stuck big time, unsure of what to do or where to go from here regarding some issues. I feel like I am running out of time to finally solve this case . I also know I am being way too nice and considerate, not wanting to hurt or upset others . This is jeopardizing my results for sure.
Fighting against the loyalty that I feel I have to show towards some people even though relationships are forever changed.
That’s the thing about lies, deceit and dishonesty…..they take a toll on the person who is behaving this way but also on the person at the receiving end.
So Monday has rolled around and I am only half of who I should be. 2 years of deception taking its toll on me. Avoidance hasn’t worked, acknowledgment hasn’t worked, and I can’t simply avoid it.
So I am sitting here gazing at the ocean and telling myself these 3 facts:
I am innocent
I am worth it
I belong here.
As the waves roll and crash onto the sand I promise myself that I will not give up.
45 years of seeking answers, loved ones found and lost , yet still I will not give up. The time is coming where I will have to scream it from the roof tops and hope the right person hears it and answers me.